18 March 2010

Barfin' 2: Electric Booze-aloo

Burp. Upchuck. Burp. Flush.

Happy St. Patrick's Day from Ireland, everybody!

06 March 2010

Agnetha Brian Bjorn Ani-Frid

So I flew last weekend to London to meet up with Brian to celebrate his birthday. We had a pretty fantastic time. First night in town we went out and about, no real idea of where or what to do. We ended up in a sports pub then at a delicious curry restaurant. After that, we decided to try to pub crawl our way home, stopping at any places we found interesting. Not sure how we did it, but we walked for 35 minutes from Victoria Station in the direction of our hotel and couldn't find a single pub. We were in the land of rich houses, hotels, and embassies. Then, when we had almost completely given up hope, we saw a group of people smoking outside of a pub. We'll take it! Once inside, we realized that we were at karaoke night at a gay pub in Chelsea called The Queen's Head. Brian, maybe the world's most awesome person, was like, "Let's do it! I want a drink!" He didn't care that he was spending his first night listening to old British queers mangling Lady Gaga. He is such a good travel partner; if you get a chance to take a trip with Brian, do it.

Side note: Have I talked about Hen Parties yet? They're the European name for Bachelorette Parties, and the women go all out. Sometimes they dress thematically (Cowboy Night, 70s Night, Black & White Night) so it already plays to my love of mass public costume. But these bitches travel in hordes up and down the streets, jumping pub to pub, doing crazy dances and playing crazy games and just being all-around fantastic. I've become a little obsessed with them and whenever I see one at a pub I go nuts and try to not stalk the hens but it doesn't always work. Anyway, because I'm so fascinated with them, I end up talking about them fairly frequently and I like it when people get just as excited as me about them.

Well I saw this old fag hag with her table of queers and she struck me as someone who would be totally fabulous (I saw her get all sassy with someone holding the door open and letting a draft in). So, relying on my Dutch courage, I went over to her. "Can I ask you a question? What do you think of hen parties?" She gave me a cold stare and said, "What? Oh, hen parties? They came from America and are ruining England." I tried to let her know that I didn't know everything about them but that what I had seen and experienced they looked fun and silly. She replied, "No one had hen parties 20 years ago. Now they're everywhere. All these girls are complete trash." I had hoped she would be cuntabulous, but it turns out she was just a raging cunt.

First, no one in America even knows what hen parties are. So to claim that they came from America means that this bitch just heard my accent, and decided to throw that back at me. And, second, they are NOT ruining anything. That would be like saying Jell-o shots are ruining anything, or that fun is ruining anything. They may not be your cup of tea, but get over yourself. She even had her table of groupthink queens back her up on this. Any homosexual who doesn't like the idea of putting on a tiara and gloves and then running around town playing drinking games is just a bad gay.

As the pub is closing (yes, we closed down the bar) we stopped by a group of fags and hags smoking fags and I decided to try my luck again. I talked to them about hen parties and they were much more approving. And after chatting for a while, they even invited us back to their apartment for champagne and dancing to Michael Jackson CDs. It was a really fun group and they renewed my faith in British people (although I then found out that 2 were Irish, 1 was Scottish, and only one was actually from England). But our first night in the UK resulted in us getting home at 4:30am, which I hear is late for London.

The next day we went to... wait for it... wait for it... ABBAWORLD. Again, Brian is the best travel partner because very few other people would be into catering to my whims like this. And this was a big deal. The day I flew to London, the earthquake happened in Chile, and the day that I actually went to ABBAWORLD there was a huge aftershock. I am seismically connected to Abba. My love for them is tectonic. As my friend Michelle stated prior to me heading to London, "Tom going to ABBAWORLD will result in something similar to Ben moving the Island." It's basically an exaggerated museum with some glorified video game aspects (Sing along with hologram Abba! Make your own music video!) but it's also strangely glorious. I mean, it's impossible not to be happy when listening to 2 straight hours of Abba music.

My advice, if ABBAWORLD comes to your town (I'm looking at you Melbourne, Australia) then you should check it out. But make sure you have an insane love of Abba.

Other updates: My last day at work is March 19, but my company has kindly allowed me to stay in the apartment until March 31, so that's when I'm flying home. But this gives me some time off, so I figured I'd fill it with a vacation since I'll probably never have the opportunity to visit Europe from Europe. After much deliberation and investigation, but ultimately decided in the spur of the moment, I'm going to Prague for 5 days. I was checking out flights and in one hour the price dropped significantly and it said it was the last ticket available (who knows if that's even true) so now I get to go to the Czech Republic for $88 round trip. Say what?!?!!?

Anyone who has been there that has suggestions, send them my way! This is going to be my first time in a big city all by myself, and I do not speak Czech. It's going to be an adventure!

27 February 2010

On the wings of my dreams

Speaking of 80s sitcoms (someone, somewhere must be doing so at this very moment) yesterday at work I had been emailing back and forth with one of our supplier reps named Jonathan, and every time a new email came in, I did my best Micelli and said, "Jona-TIN! Sah-man-TA! Mo-NA!" None of my co-workers got it at all. They've never even heard of Who's the Boss? Isn't that kind of sad? If you do an impression of Tony Danza and no one there gets it, did you make a sound? The answer is yes, and it's embarrassing and everyone thinks you went temporarily insane.

Also yesterday, a co-worker said, "Isn't it sad that so many young celebrities are dying lately?" And I looked at her computer and she was reading about Andrew Koenig. I said, "Oh, yeah, Boner from Growing Pains!" A few people gave me odd looks and she was like, "Um, I guess?" (It was a good reminder to always be careful when shouting "boner" at work, no matter what the context.) So I clarified: "That guy, the one whose dad was on Star Trek that you're reading about, he was on a sitcom and his name was Boner. Have you ever seen that show?" And she just said, "No, but doesn't it feel like more and more celebrities are dying really early? Heath Ledger died, then Brittany Murphy, now him." I smiled, loving that Boner got equal billing with that company.

Oh, and the other night, I we went out with some people from work and were talking about our favorite drinks and of course that got me on the subject of champagne. And I mentioned that the best way to drink champagne is at a slumber party in your PJs watching episodes of Saved by the Bell. Blank stares. Europe just has no idea this show even exists. So now in edition to bringing the Electric Slide to Ireland, I know have to the whole gang from Bayside. I feel like I have my work cut out for me. Even St. Patrick only had to bring Christianity.

26 February 2010

Yi Yi

1 Thing I Like About Ireland: They edit American Idol's 2 hour shows down to about an hour. They get rid of half of the commercials (Ryan says, "We'll be right back" and then is immediately introducing the next singer!) they edit out all the instructions on voting and the annoying parts where the contestants hold up how many fingers it takes to vote for them, and they edit out all the clips of their journey so far. It's just the songs, and the judges' comments. It's exactly what everyone wishes American Idol would be.

1 Thing I Dislike About Ireland: My washer/dryer combo is not very good at the drying part. Don't get me wrong, the clothes aren't wet when it's done, but they're wrinkled as all get out. And I don't like ironing. But I have to iron practically everything that comes out of that bitch except for underwear and socks. Have you ever ironed jeans? It feels so wrong. It also doesn't help that I don't have an ironing board and have to iron on my glass kitchen table. But if that's the biggest dislike, then I'm in pretty good shape.

Time for bed. I've got to catch a plane to London tomorrow to celebrate Brian's 7 1/2 birthday.

21 February 2010

Rosey Rosey Red Red

So today I got creepy in Ireland using my weird ability to accidentally come across as a pedophile.

I haven't gone to a movie yet in Ireland, and today was a lazy day so I decided to go see Ponyo-- it was the closet start time of the movies I wanted to see. But it wasn't starting for 30 minutes so I figured I could run across the street and grab a sandwich. I went into the Subway and immediately heard children shrieking. Not a normal Subway sound. Before I even saw the bread choices, I saw a ball pit. There was a wall painted with Sponge Bob characters and a row of skeeball machines. There was an Agrocrag-esque structure with a sign above it stating "Space Kidz". Apparently this Subway is attached to Cosmo's Fun World. So I'm alone eating my sandwich in the middle of an Irish Chuck E Cheese feeling really awkward because due to the layout of the building the only thing to look at is either a wall or a playing child. I ate quickly and headed to the theatre.

This movie was, unsurprisingly, filled with children. Again, I'm the only person by myself, clearly here to watch children watch a morphing goldfish. As I walked up the stairs, one child looked at me and said, "Daddy?" And her mother said, "No no no" and sat the child in her lap. But during the moments when I wasn't self-conscious, the movie was quite good, especially the techno remix song by Bonus Jonas and Bonus Cyrus over the credits.


At least I wasn't actually accused of being a pedophile, nor did the police have to get involved. That only happens in the US when I accidentally wait for a friend to get home, parked across from her house which also happens to be an elementary school bus stop.

Meine handy

I'm watching the BAFTAs live. Weird. But I guess this will have to be my substitute since the Oscars are ultimately going to play at 1am on a school night for me.

I just wish Stephen Fry were hosting.


15 February 2010

Marcia Marcia Marcia!

I don't know what it is about the Electric Slide, but I recently came to the conclusion that it makes me immensely and inexplicably happy. Maybe it's because it's an easy dance that I know how to do and thus am not too embarrassed to perform in public. Maybe it's because in 3rd grade, my entire school (K-5) took weeks learning the dance during gym class and at the end of all that practicing we all did the Electric Slide together in the parking lot, and that was the first time I felt like I was a part of something important, something big. Whatever the reason, it's my jam sandwich and I love it.

I have also recently been having epiphanic moments of joy realizing how lucky I am to be in Ireland and what a great experience this is. Let's be honest, it's ridiculous how I got here and it's ridiculous that it happened to me. But I won't complain. I've already had some great visitors (shout outs to Sho and Christine for giving me 2 weeks of intense fun!) and at least one more lined up on the horizon (7 1/2 birthday party for Brian in London, holla!)

But now I want to combine these two joys. I want to do the Electric Slide in Ireland. I wonder if they even know that song over here? I need to ask some true Irish folk. If they don't, then this will be my one positive imperialist act: I will teach them, teach them, teach them, I'll teach them the Electric Slide (boogie woogie woogie).

Oh my god, I'm pumped just thinking about this. Is this the dumbest thing to ever get me excited?